it was like his penis was on wheels.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I understand Curling. That high.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
