i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
