of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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