I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize