I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
