I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
