I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
