You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
