I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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