Swine flu is the new snow day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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