My cat gives me a boner
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
