we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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