When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
