I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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