I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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