we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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