Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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