i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
