You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
