I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
porn star boner night. come get it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
