My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
