I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
