dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
