I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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