So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
