i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
