I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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