My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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