Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize