I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
