that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
