I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
