my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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