first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
