Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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