I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
