I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I showed him my bush... on skype.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
