My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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