She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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