It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
