he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
