No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now sheâs a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. âHigh maintenance hotâ doesnât even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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