We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
