I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize