Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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