My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
