Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
