You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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