My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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