Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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