He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
