in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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