I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Duck Duck Cougar?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
