Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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