took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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