I wish I could teleport
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
