you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Drake has all the answers
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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