you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
