So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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